Little Miss Sunshine

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

By far the best movie I have ever seen. Million times better than bittersweet chocolate! I can't remember the last time that I've laughed so much and cried at the same time. If you haven't seen it, don't wait another minute.

My new definition of beauty...

I have been writing a lot on the topic of beauty lately. I guess it's because I had developed a very mainstream understanding of beauty starting from a very young age and let my perfectionistic ideals destroy my life in many ways. Some of you might have thought that I have finally reached the pinnacle of narcissism after reading my So I'm beautiful, now what? post but I actually began to think that way mainly because my definition of beauty has changed. I don't think I have changed much in the physical sense. Plus, I don't think that thinking that you are beautiful is something narcissistic; it is something that everyone is entitled to. My perception of beauty has changed not only in terms of what I think of myself but what I think of other people as well.

Without further ado, I would like to share with you the "before and after" of my understanding of beauty.

Until the end of my college years (and several months following graduation) the equation engraved into my brain was something like this:

BEAUTY (in this case female beauty) = tall slim body + thin long legs with lengthy muscles (no fat on the tights - absolutely a visual faux pas) + a head full of long black curly hair + big eyes with long eyelashes (preferably blue or black) + cheekbones! + a small face + small feet + smooth clear skin + and a "figure 8" shaped body (whatever that is).

And this is the new equation after much reading, thinking and feeling:

BEAUTY = Health + Cleanliness + Self esteem

Even right now, it can still be hard for me to entirely have faith in the second equation. It's probably because I still lack the self confidence to stick with my own values as opposed to those of popular culture. When somebody tells me or implies (or talks behind back back) that I'm not a very "presentable" person, I still take their word for it and instantly reject the beliefs that I base my identity on.

This gives birth to my very own obsession:

"If I could just be beautiful".

If I could just be beautiful...
I would have:
the right friends
the right parents
the right job
the right grades
and love and respect from those around me

I would have everything that I'd like to have...
I would have a life.

No wonder you think you get very little respect from your surroundings because you don't respect yourself. You have to show yourself some respect first before expecting to receive it from other people. Then, you won't have to ask for it in the first place.

Now, when I look back, I realize that the hell I gave myself for my appearance has prevented me from establishing many meaningful things in my life. When you think you're born a loser, you don't get much inspiration to try new things or even to try just a little harder without loosing your hope and encouragement. "Everyone thinks you're ugly anyway, so you're gonna have make an extra effort to make yourself liked by those around you, right?". NO! I don't want this to be so any longer.

Now to me physical beauty comes from taking care of your body, cleaning and nourishing and being nice to it and making the best effort to remain healthy.

There is also another aspect of beauty that cannot be seen but can be felt. It comes from the sense you give to other people about how you feel about yourself, being confident in your own skin, emitting positive energy and optimism, being able to count on yourself and having faith in your potential.

If you can get all these together in one package, nobody would ever call you an ugly person. (and what would matter if they did?)

Now I understand that as long as I respect my body, which is able to carry out amazing tasks for my benefit, and take care of it so that I can use it most efficiently in the journey of reaching my goals, becoming a leader and benefiting the world - making a difference, I will lead a happy life. I wouldn't need anyone to tell me that they find me attractive or beautiful or sexually appealing.

If there comes a moment in my life when I become convinced that I can no longer benefit the world, then my life would cease to exist at that moment. That is what I dread - not being ugly.

Amen.

Listen to this:

To Let Myself Go by Ane Brun.

New Beginnings

New Beginnings are very much needed when you've come to that point in your life when you feel stuck, not making much progress - just going in circles. After all, one cannot continue to do the same things and expect different results. Moving on is often scary and painful because it requires someone to move out of his "comfort zone". So most remain entangled uncomfortably in their comfort zones.

I have deleted some of my older posts because I had written them just for the sake of writing them and hadn't really enjoyed myself that much while writing them. So I cannot expect the readers to enjoy them in the first place. I would definitely like to keep a positive and optimistic attitude in my posts from now on. Maybe, this could be my blog's new beginning. As for mine, it is right around the corner.

PS: I'm really affected by the Virginia Tech shooting incident. Maybe next time I will feel like writing something about it.

With Love